Gratitude in Gran's Garden

I'm staying with my sister, Tessa, in Texas for a while. After my mom passed away in 2003, Tessa began creating an outdoor space she's called Gran's Garden (my niece and nephew called my mom Gran). It's beautifully and magically overgrown with bushes and trees; stone cherubs peek out from beneath the groundcover; a rusty metal archway teems with vines; a flagstone area beckons visitors to sit and meditate.

It's one of the most peaceful and spiritual places I've ever been. I love that I can end the year in such a place. I was standing in the garden yesterday, eyes closed. Dozens of birds were flitting about from limb to limb. All I could hear was the fluttering of their wings.

And I said "Thank you" aloud. To whom? I don't know. Spirit. The Universe. Mom. Doesn't matter. The moment was about gratitute. Not longing, not expectation.

2010 has been an amazing year. Did I get an agent or sell my book? Nope. Doesn't matter.

• I finished my first novel. I revised it and revised it again. It's being read by agents. I have to trust the process is out of my control now.


• I found a critique partner via a former work colleague. She's 2000 miles away but I feel her support as if she's in the room with me, sharing a cup of coffee. Her insights help me to be a better writer.


• I wasn't accepted into the Hedgebrook writers-in-residence program, but out of 800-plus applications, I made it to the 80 finalists. That's a compliment I don't want to lose by being upset with the final outcome.


• I have an amazing spouse, amazing family and amazing friends.


• I have shelter, food, health, financial security when there is such poverty and want in the world.

My sister tells me I don't need a physical space to feel this way...that I can carry Gran's Garden in my heart. How true.

Do you have a space you go to for reflection?

Yes, Virginia, You CAN Wait for Santa Claus

When I was a kid, waiting for Santa seemed an interminable space where day-to-day life was put on hold. “I can’t wait! I can’t wait!” became my daily (internal) mantra.

I’m not waiting for Santa this year but I’ve put myself in a similar tizzy waiting in other ways.

• One agent who has my full manuscript tweeted that she is going to read all submissions and reply to authors by the end of the year.


• Three other agents have had my manuscript for weeks/months and I’m still awaiting word on those.


• By the end of December, I’ll be notified whether I was accepted for a prestigious writing residency at Hedgebrook on Whidbey Island in 2011.

Living more in the present has been a lifelong struggle. When I put this much effort into waiting, I become a permanent resident of limbo. It’s not a good way to live. My stomach twists, I stress-eat, I obsess about things completely out of my control.

And if/when I don’t get what I’m waiting for, I’ll feel letdown – both because I didn’t get that agent/residency/big break, but also because I can’t get back these days that I’ve wasted not living presently, joyfully and gratefully.

Sounds like I’ve begun my New Year’s resolution list early.

Any resolutions emerging for you yet?

The Gift of Voice

The best Christmas present I received this year was from a complete stranger: an author who put an excerpt of my book in front of 13 literary agents, editors, published and unpublished authors. (see previous post)

While I received some great input on how to improve the opening of the novel, the most important thing I received was affirmation of my writing voice. When I’d completed the novel last May, I knew I’d nailed Cissy’s voice. She spoke to me more clearly than any other character I’ve created. There was no way I could have resisted that voice. It was the reason I dropped two other novels in progress and jumped into her story.

The reviewers who read a snippet of my book heard Cissy, too, and for that I am incredibly thankful. Here are just a few of the comments. While these make me feel great, I have Cissy to thank for allowing me to tell her story.

“Hello voice! I’m right inside her head.”

“The voice here is fantastic- you've nailed it!"

“While I don't gravitate toward books with darker themes- there are some great ones out there (The Color Purple, The Lovely Bones). It was the voice that captured me in both of those and made me want to read the dark plots. Again, magnificent voice! And that's often the hardest part!”

“I actually really enjoyed this first bit of your story. I was drawn right in to her head. Her voice was great. Very believable. From the log line I got that the story is not actually about the incest (which, yes, is really tough), but rather about the adventure and relationship with her grandmother that brings healing to her life. That is what I found myself eager to read about.”

“As for the excerpt, the voice is fantastic and I have absolutely no problem with it being backstory because it gets right to the point instead of being irritatingly coy. The last paragraph is enough conflict to hook me (if I weren't already hooked by that amazing voice).”

“Totally hooked. Beautiful voice, unusual setup of what might be a cliched problem. This character's got spunk, and I'd be interested to read how she handles the aftereffects of her father's abuse and her own actions to stop it.”

On Selflessness and Rejection

This is the “speechless” edition of The Writing Life.

1. The Good Speechless
I follow the blogs and tweets of several literary agents and writers. I’m utterly dumbfounded by the generosity of some to help up-and-coming writers. AuthoressAnon, a writer trying to get published herself, actually hosts contests where agents agree to critique other writers’ work. Yeah, that’s right. Everyone’s work but her own. I recently got accepted into one of the contests called the Baker’s Dozen Agent Auction. On December 4, a snippet of my book will be posted with those of 39 other writers. Thirteen agents (and the public) will then give feedback on said snippets. Priceless!

Then, earlier in the week the Knight Literary Agency hosted a similar contest in hopes of finding a new client by Christmas. More than 180 writers sent in three pages of their manuscripts. Deidre Knight and her fellow agents chose 50 writers to send in three chapters. Later, the field will be whittled down until they find an author worth representing. I didn’t make the cut but I’m heartened to see busy publishing professionals adding extra work to their schedules just to offer another opportunity for writers to get a leg in the door.

2. The Bad Speechless
In both these contests (and on Twitter) I read of instances of disgruntled writers acting out, sending negative rebuttals and insults when rejected. Not only is this rude, it’s dumb. So dumb. The publishing industry is small and word spreads fast. Rejection is part of publishing. Move on and improve your work.

Since most of my blog readers are NOT writers, here are my general thoughts on 1 and 2 above.

• Everywhere and everyday, people do thoughtful, selfless things. We only have take notice – and hopefully say thank you. Maybe we might try being selfless!
• We all tend to take things too personally: not getting asked on a second date, getting a grumpy sales person, having our food order come out incorrect. The list goes on and on. Let’s take some advice from the Four Agreements: don’t take things personally, be impeccable with your word, don’t make assumptions, and always do your best. The world is a happier place for all of us when we take this advice.

Giving Thanks for Blessings: Big and Offbeat

Welcome to a special Thanksgiving edition of A Writing Life. I noticed that since moving to Durango I’m much more aware of the blessings in my life. For one, I look at the valley and mountains EVERY DAY and am friggin’ elated that we moved here in 2003. Two, Durango is a very outdoorsy town so I’m more aware of my health – and am thankful my legs and lungs are able to move me about this gorgeous, awe-inspiring world.

These are BIG things I’m thankful for – but there are so many things I forget to give thanks for – but I will now.

• I am expert at wrapping gifts and making bows.
• I can iron men’s shirts so that they look they came from the drycleaners.
• I never get insomnia.

At this risk of sounding like your mother at the Thanksgiving table, urging you to name one thing you’re thankful for… Share something weird or offbeat you’re thankful for that you sometimes forget about.

• Are you a great dancer?
• Do you tell jokes well?
• Type 100 words or more a minute?
• Do you know how to tie sailors' knots?

Have a great week and remember to wear those elastic pants on Thursday.

Take Anything, but Not My Blankie!

My niece had a cuddly toy bear she named Chubby. It was one of those soft toys made out of terry cloth. After years of loving, Chubby was worse for the wear. My sister, an excellent seamstress, fashioned a new body out of a cotton, waffle-weave baby blanket. When that “body” wore out, she sewed still another body and then another body until the baby blanket was no more.

Today, my niece is 18 and away at college, but Chubby is still stationed on her childhood bed back at home. There’s no other way to put this: Chubby is disgusting. He’s dirty, his stuffing is falling out, there’s very little left of him. But my niece will not part with him.

What is it about humans that makes us cling to things that are comforting even when it *might* be time to give them up? An old sweatshirt from college, a chipped coffee mug, our VHS tapes?

We do this with our actions and emotions as well. For those of you familiar with astrology, you might remember that the Moon’s South Node in your chart represents habit patterns from childhood or from past lives; those experiences and qualities that come naturally to us, that are over-developed, and that we tend to fall back on. The North Node represents the kinds of experiences that we must work to develop in order to work with our karma, and to grow spiritually. If we over-emphasize and fall back on the qualities of our South Node, at the expense of developing our North Node, we may have a difficult time feeling personally successful.

I have quite a few “safety blankets” that I cling to as desperately as my niece clings to Chubby. Lately however, I find myself gravitating more and more toward my North Node, the life I truly want to lead – even if the transition is scary and unknown.

Thoughts? What’s your North Node calling you to be?

Living Your Life Awake

Before moving to Durango, I was a working zombie. Each day melded into the next; routine pushed me along like an airport’s moving sidewalk. Every decision felt as if it had been made a thousand times before: wake, feed cat, exercise, shower, dress, eat, pack lunch, commute, work, commute, let cat outside, eat, watch TV, sleep, repeat. Memories of my childhood and youth in Granger, TX, and of my adult life in Houston, TX, and then Silver Spring, MD, remain muted. There’s no vibrancy or crispness to the details. That’s because I was asleep for all those years.

Living *awake* is hard work but worth it. Staying present means appreciating the subtleties that make each day meaningful.

I spent the last week in Texas with family. I made a conscious effort to soak in my environment, to really be in the moment. Some things I recall:

• The pungent scent of burning incense at my uncle’s funeral, a powerful reminder of the daily masses I attended as a child.
• A rainbow of plain tee shirts (71 of them) hung neatly in my brother’s closet.
• The glorious first bite of the homemade Czech kolaches that my sister and I baked – for the first time – and our squeals of delight and high-fives that we’d succeeded.
• The downy-soft hug of an elderly aunt I hadn’t seen in years.
• The strange and uncomfortable nostalgia driving the pot-holed streets of my small hometown – recognizing some houses and landmarks, and others not at all.

Perhaps all the rich details I noticed will find their way into a novel or short story. At least these memories are crystal clear because of choice; because I remained awake rather than shutting down.

Are you present in your world? Do you have to work at it?